Siriusly Sexist
by Up Down Strange Charm
Summary: Lily dared me, a guy. I had to do something. I couldn't have her think that females were the dominant race! So I've now decided to log my thoughts in a book I bought at some Muggle store. That's what girls do, right?
1. Intro Chapter

**A/N: Hello, Fanfiction! I'm baaack! From a really long hiatus, too. Yeah, sorry, I got lazy and stopped writing. But now, after like 3 years (lulz) I'm back, and BETTER THAN EVAH. So here's a new story I'm working on; Sirus's Diary! **

**Sorry to any female readers who might get offended by the story, but you know Sirius, the sexist pig! :P**

**DISCLAIMER: Since I still have a penis, I fathom that I'm not J.K. Rowling, eh?**

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><p>Hello, book. My name is Sirius (Lee) Black. Haha, I MADE A FUNNY. No, I'm just kidding, my real name is Sirius Orion Black. And I am writing in this diary <strong>JOURNAL<strong> because I am forced to by a certain, temperamental red-head whom my best mate, Prongs, happens to fancy (though Merlin doesn't even know why).

Oh, the woes and worries of a teenage boy.

I'm just going to take this time to state that this is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a diary. It is a journal. A journal in which only the most masculine, sexy, and beautiful yet handsome man can write in.

In other words, this is a journal in which only I, Sirius Orion Black, can write in.

I suppose I should tell you how I got into this mess, eh? Well, it all started when my dear friend Jamsie-poo tried to hold Evans's hand after dinner one day, like he attempts pretty much every day, but his punishment didn't have to do with magic, for once. She promptly judo-flipped him over the couch in the common room (apparently she had taken lessons at some Muggle place when she was young. She probably had this weird premonition of a guy trying to hold her hand in the future. . . yeah, I have no idea.. Bite me).

Meanwhile I, the beautiful yet sexy Sirius Black, was innocently minding my own business when, having witnessed the scene, merely expressed my mild disbelief that a girl could ever overpower a man.

Lily then promptly judo-flipped ME over the couch. Can you believe that? Just from an innocent gesture of the teensiest opinion, the red-headed demon causes me extreme pain.

And I mean _extreme_. Honestly, how can a _girl_ be that strong? I thought boys were stronger. Girls were just used by men for . . . ah . . . BREEDING purposes, right?

I then suggested anger management to her. She then suggested to judo-flip me again. I said no. But then she hexed me. . . .

My groin will never be the same.

But I digress. The point is, is that after Lily had caused me physical and somewhat psychological pain in many different ways, she dared me to do something a girl could do. She accused me of "not even surviving a week in our shoes, you sexist pedo."

This, by the way, didn't even make sense since I wasn't even old enough to be a pedo.

Anyways, since Lily, a _girl,_ dared me, a _guy_, I had to do something. I couldn't have her think that females were the dominant race! So I have now decided to log my thoughts in a book I bought at some Muggle store. That's what girls do, right? Other than emotionally crying every few seconds . . .

We shall see who has the last laugh, Evans. We shall see.

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><p><strong>AN: So what'd you guys think? Leave me a review and tell me :D Also, if you think Sirius is being a bit too sexist, I'll tone it down a bit. But you know him; I can't promise anything :D**

******Additionally, I'd like to give HUGE thanks to my beta reader, KrisCheshee! She really helped get this story going. Thanks a bunch, Kris! **


	2. Remmy's Chocolate

**A/N: Hello, all! I'm back with the second chapter in this story! But before that, here are some review responses: **

**Wizard Way: Nah, Sirius has decided that he has had enough physical pain from that red-headed demon for one story. But he will be enduring various other types of pain from the rest of the characters. . . .:D They are in sixth year, this takes place right after the Halloween feast. Thanks for reviewing!**

**Vue Lorner: Thanks! It'll only get better, I promise! ^^**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. FML**

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><p>Hello, book. 'Tis I, the sexiest man at Hogwarts, Sirius Black. I'm back to bother you with more stories of my meaningless life! Aren't you excited, book?<p>

Of course you're not. Books can't feel or think. . . . Unless some unimaginably evil Dark wizard put a piece of their soul into a book because they wanted to cause fear and terror 50 years into the future (**A/N: EPIC FORSHADOWING)**, but what are the chances?

Anyway, back to the delicious stories of my sexy life. I was rummaging through Moony's dorm some afternoon 'cause I was bored, and you'll never guess what I found.

Go on. Guess. Oh, wait, books can't guess. HAR HAR HAR

I hate you too, book.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was violating Moony's privacy when I chanced upon *insert dramatic drumroll* HIS SECRET STASH OF CHOCOLATE!

He will never see it again. Mwahahaha….

Well, he did never see it again. But when he found out his stash was missing, he flipped out. I mean, seriously (ha ha), it was like I killed his future wife or something (maybe I did. . .). I've never seen him so mad, unless you count every full moon, but he's not really himself then. But then again, he's not really himself when he's eating chocolate either.

And get this; he automatically BLAMES IT ON ME. _Me_! Can you believe that? Me, the devilishly handsome yet innocent Sirius Black, who has never committed a single sin in all of my pure life.

Well, maybe I have. . . .Just a little.

But the point is, Moony just automatically blames me, without any proof whatsoever! I mean, sure, I've done the occasional prank, stolen the occasional girlfriend, and hid the occasional prized possession of my best mates. I was also still the one that ate Moony's chocolate, but that doesn't mean that I'm automatically Undesirable #1, does it?

The answer's no, by the way, you stupid book.

Well, here is my completely accurate, not-improvised-on-the-spot-so-that-it-would-benefit-me recount of what happened:

_ Sirius Black, the handsomest, smartest, and sexiest-est (to the power of sexy) man in all of Hogwarts was innocently sitting in bed, thinking pure and innocent thoughts while innocently twiddling his innocent thumbs, when all of a sudden, the evil devil Remus "Moony" Lupin bursts into the room, with an aura of fire, and red horns._

_ "SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" the devil Moony shouted. Saint Sirius turned, oh-so innocently toward the evil Remus and innocently smiled (innocently, might I add). _

_ "What do you require, Moony?" Sirius innocently inquired. He smiled like the cute angel he was, his face looking completely harmless. _

_ Devil Lupin pulled into the room an empty trunk, and pointed at it frantically. His face was red from his evil anger, and his horns quivered malevolently. It terrified poor, poor angel Sirius. He had no idea what was going, for he was, as you probably know, innocent of all crimes._

_ "MY STASH OF CHOCOLATE IS GONE!" Devil Moony shouted at the top of his lungs. The sonic shockwaves blew Sirius's hair back, and damaged his eardrums permanently. _

_ Saint Sirius nervously straightened his halo and fluffed his wings back to their proper proportions. He faced Remus, and with a face of utmost innocence and maturity, he said clearly, _

_ "And why are you shouting at me, dear Moony?" he said, his voice clear and responsible-sounding. The devil Moony roared, causing earthquakes to erupt around the world and Justin Bieber to erupt into hives (though no one in the wizarding world knew who Justin Bieber really was…)_

_ "I KNOW YOU ATE MY CHOCOLATE! I KNOW IT WAS YOU!" Moony shrieked. He looked quite deranged, with his beet-red face and his hair in a mess, tangled around his devil horns. _

_ "Me? ME? I have never-" Saint Sirius scoffed angelically. But he was never able to complete his sentence due to the fact that friggin' Moony had leapt across the room and throttled Sirius with his bare hands. _

_ And then, as Sirius's lifeless body fell with a soft thump to the ground, Moony extended his claws, and carved open Sirius's stomach. He reached inside and grabbed the chocolate, before quickly glancing around and eating it, all the while muttering, "No witnesses, no witnesses". _

And that, my dear inanimate book, is the recount of my unfair and unjust accusation. It is completely accurate, word for word.

And yes, I have been revived after Moony had strangled me to a death. Though heaven will miss me greatly, I'm sitting here in my dormitory writing.

I think that this merits as a proper diary journal entry, don't you? It wasn't that hard. Not as hard as it is to sneak magazines past Filch during the first day of term. . . .

You won't win, Evans, because the good guys are always victorious. And I'm a VERY good and _innocent_ guy. Take that, you red-haired demon.

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><p><strong>AN: Woo! Second chapter out! Also, I've started on another story, it's about the Marauders in their years at Hogwarts. Check it out! **

**Once again, I'd like to give my HUGE thanks to KrisCheshee, my Beta-er! **

**'Till next time, ta ta!**


	3. Lily's Foot Really Hurts

**A/N: Hey, guys! Here's the next chapter in Sirius's Diary. I'm kinda dejected cause there hasn't been any new reviews. . . . D: Only one person reviewed. THANK YOU, WIZARDWAY! My only loyal follower T.T lol jk, I love you all . . . . as long as you review. =.= jk again**

**But seriously, please review! It really makes my day when I see a new email in my inbox telling me I got a review! **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. Or Sirius would never have died. 'Nuff said**

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><p>HELLO, MY DEAR BOOK! 'Tis I, Sirius Black, back to bother your blighted and beloved bookiness. That's a word, by the way. You want to know why?<p>

'Cause I said so. Because I'm Sirius god-damn Black.

Anyway, I have another rather unsettling tale that involves the physical abuse of one of my mates, and it just so happens that the abuser of said mate is none other than Lily what's-her-face Evans.

Honestly, that girl needs some therapy lessons. Long, hard therapy lessons. With handcuffs. And a guard dog. And lots and lots of Stupefies.

Moving on.

So my best mate Prongs and I were just strolling through the common room, minding our own business, when we just so happened to stumble upon little Miss Anger Management, as aforementioned. We just calmly and maturely inquired her as if we could use her informational essay on the effects of the Alihotsy Draught to satisfy our own needs on the matter.

She, being a temperamental little bi-

Ahem. I mean that Evans a civil, calm-natured creature of the female race that does not require therapy in which dark emotions are mastered at all. Damn, Prongs just asked what I was writing about. Couldn't let him see that little comment about his future wife could I? He'd flip out, and probably bust my left testicle or something. To be honest, I don't think Prongs fully understands the phrase, "Bros before Hoes". Still, he _has_ fancied Evans for about six years now. . . .That's to be expected.

Anyway, after Prongs and I had asked Evans for her essay, she went ballistic. It was like watching someone light some Filibusters. . . . Evans even came with all the flashy red colors from her hair! She said something about doing it ourselves (also something about not learning crap by copying) and that we shouldn't cheat off of others' hard work.

Bro-tip, ladies and gentlemen: when a creature of the female specimen begins a long rant on a subject which you do not care the least about, just think about those beautiful, luscious boo- I mean, the totally-not-inappropriate-pictures-of-not-naked-women in that magazine you read last night. You'll completely zone out her annoying shouts. The only side effect may be a rather uncomfortably bulge in your pants at the moment, but that's irrelevant.

Back to the story. So, after Evans had blown off her steam, James had the balls to ask her for her essay again.

Evans promptly destroyed both of said balls.

Honestly, that girl can kick. And that face James made when her foot connected. . . . I couldn't tell whether he was sickly enjoying the fact that his genitals were touching Evans or whether he was painfully stewing in the fact that he would never have the ability to have children ever again.

So after that demonic red-head had relieved James of his manliness, she turned to me. Well, we all know what I did, right? I did exactly what every other able-bodied man who did not want their own nuts utterly destroyed.

I ran away, screaming my good-for-nothing head off. But, get this, not before stealing Evans's essay right from under her nose! Score, mate! I'm so awesome. All it took was the sleight of hand and a simple Disillusionment Charm. Well, Prongs has recovered from his endeavor and for some reason still fancies that red-head. I don't really see what he sees in her (that Marlene McKinnon that Evans hangs out with is more of a looker and less temperamental than Evans by a longshot), but if he still fancies her, I respect that choice.

I just hope he realizes that he chose a possessed girl over his balls' safety.

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><p><strong>Special thanks to KrisCheshee again for Beta'ing! :D <strong>


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